woensdag 18 april 2012

Being transgendered.

First things first. 
I want to tell you all that I'm not really good with words, so please bare with me.
So, I have had a secret for many, many years.
Some of you already know, some are suspecting it, and for others it's a complete surpise.

I am a FTM Transgender.
I have been presenting myself as a girly woman to the world my entire life, while I knew I was a guy on the inside.

Let me tell my story.

When I was a young girl, I had a wonderfull youth. I didn't thought about gender identity at all. I didn't really thought about it until I was around the age of 12. Though when I was around the age of 6 I already had some thoughts that were different from other girls. I knew I was different, but didn't know what it was. When I discovered I wanted to be a guy I was afraid. I didn't know what to do. I thought I was crazy. I was afraid what people would say when they would know. I thought it might be a phase, because I was so young. How could I know?

But when I learned about what a transgender was, I was terrified.
I knew how much suffering and judgement a transgender had to go through to gain the body they desired, and I knew I didn’t want to go through that suffering.
I shoved the idea that I was trans to the back of my mind and continued to pretend I was a girl, believing that living would be easier if I just faked my way through it.

For years I unhappily behaved like a typical girl because I recognized this as “normal” despite always having a lingering desire to be like a boy. But still I thought it might be a phase, when I was at the age of 15. I discovered new music, got to know new friends and discovered other clothing styles. I thought it might go away when I would just dress differently. So, I decided to wear more skater/alto/gothic styled clothing. Having worn this style for some years I knew this wasn't it. I still knew I was a guy. I still felt like that.

Being a transgender means alot of pain, worries, alot of fear and insecurity to me.
Alot of shame towards myself (What is going on with me, and why?)
Pain from how I look, pain because nobody really sees me. Pain from every time I'm being called 'Miss', everytime when I shower, getting dressed and see my reflection I'm reminded of the person that I'm not. Worrying about what to do with myself. How to get through the day. How to act, how to dress. How could I ever show others the real me, when I don't look like me at all?

I thought I didn't had any choice, so I decided to just dress as a girl, by wearing dresses and skirts. It really became a secret, that absolutely nobody must know. Nobody can know how I feel, and nobody knows who I really am.  How could I possibly tell them that I was a guy, when I obviously looked like a girl?  And a very girly one as well for that matter. I must be mad! I might as well just tell them I'm a potatoe! I got so used to these molds other people had created that I was in constant fear and questioned myself,  “Am I really a man? Sometimes I don’t mind the fact I have a vagina, does this mean I’m not actually trans?”

For someone who is not transgendered it is impossible to understand the feelings that come with being in the wrong body and the incredible persecution and suffering we face.  No matter what I say, no matter what I have to go through,  there will be people who refuse to believe that my feelings are real. But, now that I'm 24, I know that it's not a phase at all. A phase doesn't last for 12 years and more. It just can't be. I know who I am. I know I'm a guy. And I know that's just on the inside for now. It will change on the outside as well. It's just a matter of time. It's time to be true to myself, and to show the world the real me.


That being said, I would like to take the oppurtunity to thank the following people, for giving me lots of advice, and just being there for me. You guys have helped me with coming out to my boyfriend and parents, which to me was the most difficult thing to do in my life.

- Velvetbat: You were the very first person to have ever know about my transgender identity. Your coming-out as neutrois has given me alot of courage to finally take the step to be myself. When I needed advice about how I could come out, you were always there to help me and give me tips. I owe you alot! ♥

- Minimiran: You also gave me alot of advice and tips, and you were there for me when I felt really bad, and we just talked. You cheered me up and also because of you I found the courage to tell my boyfriend. Thank you so much dear! ♥

- Robert: Thank you so much for still being a dear friend to me. You have helped me to go through. Because of you I felt confident enough to tell my parents. You truly are a good friend. Thank you, thank you, thank you! ♥

- My boyfriend: We are together for 5 years, and had good times and bad times. But no matter what we still were together and supported each other. Telling you was very hard, because of the fear of losing you. I'm very thankfull that we're still together, and will be together, no matter how I will change in the future. I love you with whole my heart. ♥

- My parents: Telling you was the hardest thing ever, but deep in my heart I knew you both would want to see me happy. Happiness is the most important thing, next to health. I'm gratefull with the positive reactions, and the support. ♥ I love you guys, and couldn't wish for better parents.


I can just go on and on about this subject, for as a coming-out I think this is enough information for now. I will most likely talk about transgender subjects in the future, because I have alot more things to say about it. Think of lolita fashion, surgery, different name,pronouns, etc.

I want to thank you all for reading this, and I hope you will all accept me for who I am.
For the ones that don't and think I'm weird or whatever; I don't care. It's time to think about myself for once, and be me.

And really, it's just the outside that will change. The inside is still very much the same! ♥


Here are some terms you might want to know more about:
Transsexual: 1. a person who is/will/would transition/ing from one sex to another;
2. Someone who is medically transitioning, usually within the biological sex binary,
although some intersexed people will transition to a binary biological sex,
and some people will transition to non binary genders, such as neutrois.

Transgender: 1. umbrella term for a person whose gender and sex do not match up;
2. specifically an MtF (male to female) or FtM (female to male) transgender person;
3. MtF or FtM who lives openly but without any surgical transition (as opposed to transsexual)

35 opmerkingen:

  1. I am happy you sort of 'found yourself', and that the ones most dear to you accept you

    I wish you luck with whatever steps you will take.
    And I think you would make a stunning guy (if you don't mind me saying that)

    1. Thank you very much, also for the compliment ♥

  2. I am really proud of you that you write about it on your blog and be open about it to yourself and to others! And I really wish you the very best of luck on your journey of becoming a guy and getting a body that you've always wanted!
    (and still, there are several real transguys who keep their vagina, and that doesn't make them less of a man. I mean, Buck Angel? He rocks it!)

    And I am glad that my advice was helpful to you! ^__^

    So good luck to you! :D *gives a big hug*
    (and by the way, your post is very well written! And I recognise a lot of what you wrote from my own past and experience.)

    1. I'm glad you think my post is very well written! But luckily I I took the time to search for the right words, otherwise it would become a mesasage that doesn't make any sense ^^

      Thank you so much for everything ♥

  3. I'm so glad you finally could come out!<3 I'm very happy for you. Please know that I will support you in everything and I wish you all the luck in the world!<3

    1. Thank you so much ♥♥ And thank you for still being there for me :D

  4. Hay,
    Ik heb het gevoel dat ik wat moet zeggen. Maar ik vind het wel moeilijk. Dit kwam een beetje als een schok. Ik ben zo gewend je als een meisje te zien. Je bent zo prachtig in lolita! Je hebt er zo lang mee rond gelopen dat het voor jou een verlossing is. Maar k weet niet zo goed hoe ik er mee om moet gaan. Vind je het nog wel prettig als ik je Denise noem? wil je dat ik "hij zeg?" Ik ben wel super blij dat je bij Martin blijft. Als je er alleen door heen zou moeten zou het echt heel naar zijn denk ik. Blijf je wel lolita dragen? ik bedoel het is het toon beeld van vrouwelijkheid. Ik hoop dat je nu gelukkiger bent met wie je bent.
    kus <3

    1. Hey, zoals ik ook op facebook had gezehd zou ik het fijn vindne om met 'hij' worden aangesproken, en ook liever niet meer Denise. Je mag me Damiën noemen voortaan ^^ En ik ben ook ontzettend blij dat Martin nog bij me blijft en wilt blijven. Dat was ook iets waar ik erg mee zat, omdat we al lang bij elkaar zijn. En ik blijf nog wel lolita dragen, dat wil ik nog niet opgeven. Het zal wel minder gaan gedragen worden, en verder zou ik anders ook graag kodona en aristocrat willen dragen.

      Heel erg bedankt voor je berichtje ♥

  5. I had no idea, though I was getting a little suspicious when you cut your cute hair and I thought noo your beautiful hair. And that the short hair made so sense.
    But now I get it and it makes it suit you much better straight away because your "real you" is shinning right through it:)
    I'm glad you made the choice now, better later than never right;)
    It's so nice to see that you get all the needed support and I hope everything will go well and I still hope to see you in Lolita because you just plainly rock it dude;)

    1. Well, I wanted to cut my hair anyways, but it had several reasons. I wanted to donate my hair again, because I just didn't know what to do with my hair. And also because of this :)

      Anyways, I will deff. continue wearing lolita, because I love the fashionstyle. And the girls are all sweethearts and I enjoy the meet-ups. Thank you for your message ♥

  6. The last couple of weeks I start to get some suspicion about this, mostly because of pictures and inspirational texts you posted on Tumblr. It made me think "why does she find it so important how people look at transgenders? Perhaps she has some inner struggles herself or someone very close to her has". But to me you were also very much a girly-girl in the way you look(ed), so it didn't make sense, but now it does.
    You're super brave for coming out like this and talking about it so openly. You really have my respect for this. And I'm so happy for you that after all those years you can finally be yourself and not hide behind someone you are not. It opens the path to true happiness.
    You still have a long path ahead - depending on how far you want to take your transition - and it won't be easy, but you have people around you who support you and love you, it's good to see.
    It will take some time for me to refer to you in the proper pronoun (this is why I love Finnish 'hän' means both he & she!) and to not think of you as "a girl". But you'll always be Niesje, and you will always be beautiful, probably even more beautiful as a boy :P
    There's one thing I do wonder about though: Did you ever really find joy in wearing lolita? You wrote above that you started to wear dresses and skirts to not only fool the world but also your own feelings, yet you always radiated as a lolita. Will you still wear it or 'hang je je petticoats aan de wilgen'? Boys make the best lolitas afterall...

    1. Yes, I thought so. I did that on purpose, so that people would get used to it slowly.

      Ah, that's wonderfull, that the Finnish word hän is for both girls and boys ^^

      I did find joy in wearing lolita, because I fell in love with the style. Of course I had many days I didn't wanted to wear it, but I still did worn lolita on those days. Also as a way of convincing myself I needed to be a girl, and looking like one. I will not stop with lolita, and I won't sell the dresses because of emotional value :) I've met so many wonderfull people through lolita :D

      Thank you for your message, you're always so weet ♥

  7. This is just so well written. Perfect. How happy I am that you can finally be yourself. I am proud to have a great friend like you <3

    1. Thank you so much ♥♥♥ I feel the same about you, you're a great friend!

  8. Ik ben blij dat je het durft te vertellen.
    Ik vind het helemaal niet erg je bent en blijft een geweldig persoon!
    Het maakt mij helemaal niets uit dat je je een man voelt/bent. Zolang je maar gelukkig bent is het goed!
    En ik ben ook heel blij voor je dat je de stap neemt om nu echt te worden wie je bent.
    Het klinkt misschien heel vreemd, maar het komt voor mij niet echt als een schok aan.
    Op een of andere rare manier dacht ik wel, vooral nadat gedicht en toen je opnieuw je haren weer kort had geknipt.
    En blijf alsjeblieft lolita dragen, het staat je prachtig en dat gaat echt niet veranderen. ^^

    In ieder geval heel veel succes met alles!<3
    En als er wat is dan kun je dat altijd tegen me vertellen!

    1. Dank je wel, ben blij dat ik eindelijk de moed heb om het te vertellen. En ik blijf lolita dragen, wees niet bang :D Ik zal ook nog steeds naar meetings gaan en willen afspreken omdat jullie allemaal zo ontzettend lief zijn, en aardig en het is altijd zo gezellig!

      Heel erg bedankt lieve Anne ♥

  9. Het is dapper van je dat je zo open bent. Ik hoop dat alles goed komt, en dat je eindelijk jezelf kan zijn. Veel succes!

  10. To be honest I also suspected this might be what was bothering you because of the blog post, and the album on facebook you made after your haircut.
    Even though I mainly know you over the internet, I just want to tell you that I think it is admirable how you finally dare to be yourself! Like the others I think you couldn't have worded it any better than you did. I'm really happy for you that you will at last be able to be yourself I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world, you deserve it! I think it's wonderful that you have so many people supporting you, and I will as well, because after all it's the inside that makes someone into who they are, and I think you're a wonderful person, no matter what gender you want to be! <3 I think you'll make an amazing boy, and I'm so glad to hear that your boyfriend and parents also support you!
    The path that stretches out before you now probably won't be easy sometimes, so again, I wish you lots and lots of luck in everything that will happen on the road to becoming yourself! <3

    1. Thank you alot!I'm very happy alot of people are supporting me, and I really appreciate your message ♥

  11. I must say you are very brave! For talking about this and assuming it. It's admirable.
    Wish you all the happiness and supporting you!

  12. Wow, I'm so stunned by your courage to write all this on your blog! You have taken an amazing step in life and I'm sure everything will be better from now on, not that you are true to yourself <3

  13. now* that you are true to yourself

    (sorry typo ^^)

  14. respect dat je er nu na al die jaren voor uit durft te komen en zoals je zelf al zegt er veranderd van binnen niks,je blijft een prachtig persoon!!heel veel geluk en liefde met alles!!xxx je nicht jennifer

    1. Heey dank je wel voor je berichtje, dat waardeer ik echt enorm. ♥

  15. Ik vind het super dapper van je dat je er voor uit komt, en dat je de stap hebt gezet om je echte zelf te laten zien en te zijn.
    Diep rescept daarvoor!
    Heel veel suc6 met alles!

    1. ♥ Dank je wel, ben ook erg blij dat ik eindelijk de moed had om het te vertellen.

  16. Dear, you're a wonderful person, so brave! I'm glad you shared this important thing, you have all my support and I wish you can reach what you want and be happy with yourself ♥♥♥

    1. Thank you so much ♥ You really are so sweet!

  17. Knap hoor dat je durft te zijn wie je bent, daar is veel moed voor nodig, moed die vele mensen niet hebben. Je neemt nu pas de ruimte in die je toebehoort. Het zal met je gezondheid nu ook stukken beter gaan (longen staat voor: niet de ruimte innemen voor jezelf, dus niet jezelf zijn). Ik hoop dat je nu wat beter naar buiten durft te treden nu je geen last meer op je schouders draagt. Het zal voor ons wel even wennen zijn, maar het belangrijkste is dat jij gelukkig bent Damien. xxxx je tante Shirley

  18. Hi Damien, ik respecteer je in wat en hoe je ben... als je maar gelukkig voelt en dat telt.

    Wish U all the Best.

    je oom Frank