Dreamdress + update

I haven't been able to give you all a proper blogupdate, sorry!

I have been working all week, and didn't had the energy to write something.

But, I want to let you all know about my latest purchases ♥ 

Angelic Pretty's Star Night Theater OP, headbow, bangle and cardigan ♥ 

I was actually looking for the blue version, but it's impossible to find. But, I also like the black version alot, so I felt very lucky when a girl offered this set to me! It was my ultimate AP dreamdress! She will send it out to me on monday, so I hope to have the parcel next weekend ♥ 

I'm still looking for the blue version *determined* so if anybody sees a sales post with the blue version, please let me know, I would love you forever!

Last weekend I met up with a online friend for the first time. She is a MtF transgender, so it was nice to talk about trans related subjects. We had a wonderfull time with shopping and I have bought several dvd's. I just love movies ♥ For the occasion I threw my hair up in the air again!

And yes, I also wore my Glitterhell sweater again, I'm in love with the print and it feels so comfy~

(Wouldn't wear it today though, since the weather is so warm now).

I bought these dvd's for cheap!

Sleeping Beauty €8,- / Monster €1,- / The Sound of thunder €1,- / Hellraiser was €5,-

And yesterday I went to the city with my boyfriend, and I found a new pair of black pants. I'm so excited about it  because I bought it from the men's department. How silly am I? My first pair of long, male trousers. I also bought a comicbook at our local comic store, and one of the employees is a friend of mine, and I haven't seen him since my coming out. He went to me and said he was happy for me, and that things will still be the same as before. We talked a little bit and than we went home afterwards. I still can't believe how lucky I am, with all my friends, boyfriend and family being so positive about it, and supporting me. Thank you so much everyone ♥ And, yesterday my boyfriend sais I was looking more like a guy, so I'm very happy about it, because I still think I'm not passing. But I do have some days where I think I look like a guy, but not always. Looks like I'm heading the right way?

Overthinking

I'm not feeling so happy lately. Alot of things are going on in my mind and it feels like I'm constantly thinking about the future. I'm very sure of myself and knowing what I want with transition, but that doesn't make it easier for me. The long waiting will be very hard, but, I know it will all be worth the wait. Besides, I already waited for several years, so I'm sure I can wait a few more years extra. And, what are a couple of years, if you can enjoy after all of this, for the rest of your life?

I'm really struggling with everything, and today I registered on a transgender forum to read experiences from other trans people. I really hope it will help for me to read that, and to meet more people like me because they know exactly what it means and feels to be trans, or just not being in the right body. And I already do know very few transguys and girls, and I know I can always talk to them, but I often feel such a burden if I would do that. Or just talking to someone about my feelings in general is hard since I have trouble to talk about alot of things. But I was raised in a very closed family, and we never really talked about our feelings, so I don't really know how to become more open when I have never learned that. I do try my best to change that though.

But being in this 'inbetween' position makes me feel very unhappy. I'm not saying I'm depressed because I'm not, but it is getting close to that. Of course I do my best to prevent that. I know I'm very lucky to have amazing friends who make it a bit easier for me. It's great that my friends are calling me by my preferred name, and using the right pronounces as 'he/his/him'. If they didn't, than it would be alot harder for me.

Oh well, enough of this negative talking! I just neede to get this off of my chest. Tomorrow I will see a few of my friends again. It will be great to see them, and to relax my poor overthinking mind. As long as my friends accept me for who I am, and being there for me when times are getting hard, it will be alot easier. And I'm very gratefull for that ♥

Being transgendered.

First things first. 

I want to tell you all that I'm not really good with words, so please bare with me.
So, I have had a secret for many, many years.
Some of you already know, some are suspecting it, and for others it's a complete surpise.

I am a FTM Transgender.
I have been presenting myself as a girly woman to the world my entire life, while I knew I was a guy on the inside.

Let me tell my story.
When I was a young girl, I had a wonderfull youth. I didn't thought about gender identity at all. I didn't really thought about it until I was around the age of 12. Though when I was around the age of 6 I already had some thoughts that were different from other girls. I knew I was different, but didn't know what it was. When I discovered I wanted to be a guy I was afraid. I didn't know what to do. I thought I was crazy. I was afraid what people would say when they would know. I thought it might be a phase, because I was so young. How could I know?

But when I learned about what a transgender was, I was terrified.
I knew how much suffering and judgement a transgender had to go through to gain the body they desired, and I knew I didn’t want to go through that suffering.
I shoved the idea that I was trans to the back of my mind and continued to pretend I was a girl, believing that living would be easier if I just faked my way through it.

For years I unhappily behaved like a typical girl because I recognized this as “normal” despite always having a lingering desire to be like a boy. But still I thought it might be a phase, when I was at the age of 15. I discovered new music, got to know new friends and discovered other clothing styles. I thought it might go away when I would just dress differently. So, I decided to wear more skater/alto/gothic styled clothing. Having worn this style for some years I knew this wasn't it. I still knew I was a guy. I still felt like that.

Being a transgender means alot of pain, worries, alot of fear and insecurity to me.
Alot of shame towards myself (What is going on with me, and why?)
Pain from how I look, pain because nobody really sees me. Pain from every time I'm being called 'Miss', everytime when I shower, getting dressed and see my reflection I'm reminded of the person that I'm not. Worrying about what to do with myself. How to get through the day. How to act, how to dress. How could I ever show others the real me, when I don't look like me at all?

I thought I didn't had any choice, so I decided to just dress as a girl, by wearing dresses and skirts. It really became a secret, that absolutely nobody must know. Nobody can know how I feel, and nobody knows who I really am.  How could I possibly tell them that I was a guy, when I obviously looked like a girl?  And a very girly one as well for that matter. I must be mad! I might as well just tell them I'm a potatoe! I got so used to these molds other people had created that I was in constant fear and questioned myself,  “Am I really a man? Sometimes I don’t mind the fact I have a vagina, does this mean I’m not actually trans?”

For someone who is not transgendered it is impossible to understand the feelings that come with being in the wrong body and the incredible persecution and suffering we face.  No matter what I say, no matter what I have to go through,  there will be people who refuse to believe that my feelings are real. But, now that I'm 24, I know that it's not a phase at all. A phase doesn't last for 12 years and more. It just can't be. I know who I am. I know I'm a guy. And I know that's just on the inside for now. It will change on the outside as well. It's just a matter of time. It's time to be true to myself, and to show the world the real me.

☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~

That being said, I would like to take the oppurtunity to thank the following people, for giving me lots of advice, and just being there for me. You guys have helped me with coming out to my boyfriend and parents, which to me was the most difficult thing to do in my life.

- Velvetbat: You were the very first person to have ever know about my transgender identity. Your coming-out as neutrois has given me alot of courage to finally take the step to be myself. When I needed advice about how I could come out, you were always there to help me and give me tips. I owe you alot! ♥

- Minimiran: You also gave me alot of advice and tips, and you were there for me when I felt really bad, and we just talked. You cheered me up and also because of you I found the courage to tell my boyfriend. Thank you so much dear! ♥

- Robert: Thank you so much for still being a dear friend to me. You have helped me to go through. Because of you I felt confident enough to tell my parents. You truly are a good friend. Thank you, thank you, thank you! ♥

- My boyfriend: We are together for 5 years, and had good times and bad times. But no matter what we still were together and supported each other. Telling you was very hard, because of the fear of losing you. I'm very thankfull that we're still together, and will be together, no matter how I will change in the future. I love you with whole my heart. ♥

- My parents: Telling you was the hardest thing ever, but deep in my heart I knew you both would want to see me happy. Happiness is the most important thing, next to health. I'm gratefull with the positive reactions, and the support. ♥ I love you guys, and couldn't wish for better parents.

~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~

I can just go on and on about this subject, for as a coming-out I think this is enough information for now. I will most likely talk about transgender subjects in the future, because I have alot more things to say about it. Think of lolita fashion, surgery, different name,pronouns, etc.

I want to thank you all for reading this, and I hope you will all accept me for who I am.
For the ones that don't and think I'm weird or whatever; I don't care. It's time to think about myself for once, and be me.

And really, it's just the outside that will change. The inside is still very much the same! ♥

~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~~☆~☆~

Here are some terms you might want to know more about:
Transsexual: 1. a person who is/will/would transition/ing from one sex to another;
2. Someone who is medically transitioning, usually within the biological sex binary,
although some intersexed people will transition to a binary biological sex,
and some people will transition to non binary genders, such as neutrois.

Transgender: 1. umbrella term for a person whose gender and sex do not match up;
2. specifically an MtF (male to female) or FtM (female to male) transgender person;
3. MtF or FtM who lives openly but without any surgical transition (as opposed to transsexual)